The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will have a yoga studio at their new home, Frogmore Cottage in Windsor — and this week, Prince Harry revealed he meditates every day. But how can you achieve your Zen?
In an extract from his bestselling guide, influential Buddhist HAEMIN SUNIM reveals how the mindful approach can make your life better...
When we examine our lives, we see many imperfect things, like motes of dust on an old mirror.
Our words are often different from our actions, our relationships are strained by our mistakes, our best-laid plans for the future go awry.
On top of that, in the course of our lives we inflict various wounds on others, intentionally or unintentionally, causing us to feel guilt and regret.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex will have a yoga studio at their new home, Frogmore Cottage in Windsor — and this week, Prince Harry revealed he meditates every day
As we become spiritually mature, we naturally develop more empathy and try to see things from others’ perspectives.
This, in turn, teaches us to accept the imperfections of others, and of ourselves, in a more graceful and compassionate way.
I have collected here my reflections on learning to look at the world, and myself, more compassionately. I pray that they can be a friendly hand for you in a moment of despair, and bring you peace in a time of difficulty.
LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE
When there is someone who makes things difficult for you, do you try just to ignore it or put up with it, because it is not in your nature to do or say something that can potentially hurt someone?
I have met many good people who suffer from depression, panic attacks and other emotional disorders due to difficult human relationships.
Such people tend to be gentle, well-mannered and solicitous of others. They are the kind of self-sacrificing person who will habitually put other people’s wishes before their own.
As we become spiritually mature, we are able to develop more empathy and try to see things from others’ perspectives
Why, I wondered, do such good people often fall victim to mental and emotional suffering?
I, too, was introverted and meek as a child, and so was often praised for being ‘good’.
When I opened my heart and spoke honestly to an older friend, he gave me the following advice: ‘Be good to yourself first, then to others.’
It was like being struck by lightning.
By living in accordance with the demands of others, we unwittingly neglect our own desires and needs.
Before going along with what others wish you to do, please listen to the voice inside you, telling you what you truly want.
When someone asks for a favour, don’t forget that you have the option to say: ‘I’m terribly sorry but I can’t do that.’
You have no obligation to take on a task that will be a great burden on you.
Just as, on a plane, you are told to put the emergency breathing mask on a child only after you have put one on yourself, there is nothing selfish about looking after yourself first.
Only if you are happy will you be able to make those around you happy. The true winner is the one who is happy with his life.
Don’t let your difficult past define who you are today.
If you do, you will live your whole life as a victim of the past.
By living in accordance with the demands of others, we unwittingly neglect our own desires and needs
There is life force within you waiting to shoot out of the ground of the past. Please trust that force of renewal.
Bow respectfully to your past and proclaim: ‘From now on, I have decided to be a little happier!’
If someone is unable to think beyond himself, it could be because he didn’t get enough love growing up.
Because he felt that the world was cold and uncaring, he had to be self-centred to take care of himself. If there is a selfish person in your life who makes things difficult for you, look deeply into his pain and try to understand where he is coming from.
If we examine what motivates us, we see that even as adults we want recognition from other people, and that so much of what we do comes from that desire to be recognised.
Shower your child with attention and make them feel secure in your love. This way, they won’t grow up starved for other people’s acknowledgment.
The nice cutlery set, tea, wine, clothes, pen, quilt that you have been saving for a special occasion — use them whenever you get the chance. When you make use of something special, it makes the moment special.
The house is a mess but you don’t have energy to tidy it up. In that case, invite your friends to your home. Suddenly, you will feel a surge of energy which can get the whole house tidied in 30 minutes!
When a beloved family member passes away, we feel sorry for not having looked after them better and guilty for not having protected them from harm.
If you can’t stand to make mistakes, you will never learn a foreign language, an instrument, a sport, or how to drive or cook
Then, after many difficult and lonely nights, the spring, which we thought we’d never see again, returns.
As the warmth of the spring sunshine touches our face, we feel as though the departed is still with us, wishing us happiness.We assumed we were alone but then realised we were not.
No matter how good a relationship is, it is inevitable that it will change over time.
A close friend may move to another city, or a family member may pass away. Your circumstances, too, can change. But don’t let this make you too sad — because when one door closes, another opens.
If a relationship causes you pain, then draw a firm line and distance yourself from the other person.
Once you are apart, you will hear your internal voice and gradually become stronger and more independent. Do not lose your grip on the reins of your own life and allow yourself to be dragged around by someone else.
Before you go to sleep, recall three things you were thankful for today. If you continue to do this for two months, you will see an increase in your level of happiness because instead of focusing on what is wrong with your life, you look for what is good.
THE ART OF GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
Many people answer the question ‘what is the most difficult thing in life?’ with ‘relationships’. Since it takes two people to make a relationship work, and a relationship can easily be disrupted by third parties, they are tricky things to nurture.
In my own experience, even relationships that were strong for a long time seemed to suffer when, unbeknown to myself, I started to feel disappointed in the other person. Whenever I feel disappointed, if I don’t address the feeling, it always comes back to harm the relationship.
In other words, a feeling of disappointment is like a warning light, telling me that if I don’t do something about it, the relationship could fail. But unlike other emotions, disappointment is very tricky to express: it comes out as petty, whereas if I keep it bottled up, it only gets worse — which makes it difficult to act either way.
Our feelings of disappointment stem from having expectations of another person that go unfulfilled. Such expectations are often unspoken, yet we wish that people would somehow figure them out.
If we do not express our feelings of disappointment, they will start to build up and transform into more difficult emotions such as anger, hurt or even betrayal, and we may come to hold a grudge.
And when you express your disappointment, be careful not to do so in a way that is aggressive or critical of the other person, or when the other person is angry.
Wait until both of you are calm, and talk about only how you feel right then, not what was done or said many years ago.
There are times when someone wants to talk and you give them the cold shoulder. But the longer this goes on, the worse it makes the problem.
And there are times when you deliberately avoid talking to someone but they don’t even notice. Ultimately, you are the only one who suffers.
When a family conflict comes up, don’t take sides; just listen to what both sides have to say.
Otherwise you will only make the problem worse and risk hurting a family member.
In the course of our lives, we meet people who aggravate our sense of inferiority: the friend with a more successful career, the colleague with a better education and looks, the in-laws with a lot more money. But look beyond these externals.
People who seem better off have other difficulties, brought on by the very things you envy them for.
HAVE COURAGE AND FOLLOW YOUR HEART
Many people have asked me: ‘How did you find the courage to become a monk?’
Well, I didn’t want to waste my life any more wondering whether it tallied with some socially determined criteria for success.
I got tired of trying to satisfy other people’s expectations. Instead, I wanted to discover for myself the answers to questions such as ‘Why was I born?’ and ‘What happens when I die?’
Even if others scorn me, only having done it can I look at myself and say with confidence that I have loved my life.
Many people who try to forge their own path come up against strong opposition. If your timid heart wonders, ‘Is this really OK?’ have the courage to smile back at it and say firmly, ‘Yes, it is!’
Even if you fail, you will learn from your mistakes and try it differently next time. Besides, it is better to experience failure while you are young. If you are prepared to take responsibility for the consequences of your choices, you can follow your heart.
Don’t assume another bus will be coming. Sometimes you will never get another chance to catch the bus you missed.
If an opportunity is presented to you, muster your courage and get on that bus.
If you’ve waited for someone to show up and change your life, and they still haven’t appeared, don’t wait any longer. It probably means you need to become that person for yourself.
When you try to learn something new, you will inevitably feel embarrassed in the process. No matter how respected you are in your own field, you will be treated like a child and corrected every time you do it wrong.
If you can’t stand to make mistakes, you will never learn a foreign language, an instrument, a sport, or how to drive or cook.
It’s all right to start reading a book from the section you most want to read. Starting is often the most difficult part.
If worrying is not doing any good, say to your anxious mind: ‘If what I’m worried about actually happens, that’s when I’ll worry!’
Distinguish between things you can control and those you can’t. The past cannot be undone. You can’t control what other people think of you. But you can control what you are doing right now.
The secret of embracing others
Of course it is easy to love the parts we agree with, but when we learn to embrace the parts we disagree with, that is when liking turns into loving.
When we find that things are getting tough, a warm, wordless embrace can have more healing power than a logical explanation of why things are so difficult. Although I cannot get rid of your pain, I will still stand by your side and stick with you. The warmest way of expressing this is through a hug.
If you want to express love to family or friends, really listen to them, devoting your whole mind and heart to their words.
If you listen with great care and interest, they will come to feel ‘I am a precious being’ and ‘this is what it feels like to be loved’. Words hold great power.
If you love someone, rather than doing what you think they need, do what they themselves ask you to do. Though it comes from a good place, doing what you think someone needs can be the seed of wanting to control them, to make them a certain way to please yourself.
If you get angry, your anger creates an echo, bouncing back at you without fail. Your anger arouses anger in others, who retaliate either immediately with the same intensity, or indirectly over the course of many years in the form of gossip and passive-aggressive mind games.
So the next time you get angry, keep in mind the costs. If you point out someone’s faults, don’t expect their behaviour to change. Often all that happens is they get hurt. Praise their strengths, which will grow to overshadow their weaknesses.
Extracted from Love For Imperfect Things: How to Accept Yourself In A World Striving For Perfection, by Haemin Sunim, published by Penguin Life on January 24 at £9.99. © Haemin Sunim 2019.
To order a copy for £7.99 (20 per cent discount) call 0844 571 0640 or go to www.mailshop.co.uk/books. Offer valid until 26/1/19, P&P free on orders over £15. Spend £30 on books and get FREE premium delivery.
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News Photo Prince Harry meditates every day and has a Buddhist manual for life
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