The Best Of Talking To Babies About Philosophy

How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism:

BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
ME: that’s right
in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’


Baby Jenny Holzer:

BABY JENNY HOLZER: [spits up]
MAN: Oh, baby Jenny Holzer, what a mess
BABY JENNY HOLZER: SPIT ALL OVER SOMEONE WITH A MOUTHFUL OF MILK IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR PERSONALITY FAST

How To Talk To Babies About Post-Structuralism:

ME: what do we need to understand before we can understand post-structuralism
BABY: fnehhh
ME: very good
we need to understand structural linguistics
now what does “fnehhh” mediate between
BABY: fnehhh
ME: that’s right
it mediates between abstract ideas and reality
BABY: fnehhh
ME: you’ve made your point, don’t belabor it

How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics:

BABY: read dog book again
ME: okay fine
show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: good
now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
BABY: [points]
ME: now show me where the author is
BABY: [stares blankly]
ME: that’s right
the author is dead

How To Talk To Babies About Marxist Theory:

BABY: [sleeps]
ME: HAVE YOU QUESTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT THE DRIVE TO ACCUMULATE CAPITAL TODAY
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: no of course not
you just CONSUMED and PASSED OUT
like a plutocrat
BABY: [sleeps]

BABY: [tears apart newspaper]
ME: that’s very good
the apparatus that props up capitalism will destroy itself some day

How To Talk To Babies About Gender Theory:

BABY: [nurses]
ME: you realize youre literally consuming me
BABY: [nurses]
ME: wow
its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex

Baby Jacques Derrida:

WOMAN: and here is the bunny
do you see the bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: pbthtbhth
WOMAN: can you say bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: bunny
WOMAN: can you pat the bunny?
BABY DERRIDA: there is nothing outside the text

Baby Michel Foucault:

WOMAN: who’s the baby?
whooooo’s the baby?
BABY FOUCAULT: I don’t feel that it is necessary to know exactly what I am

MAN [ducks face behind cloth]: peekabo!
peekabo!
I see you!
BABY FOUCAULT: visibility is a trap